Nine Purifying Breaths

*blows copious quantities of pixel dust off the site*

HOLY JESUS. WHAT IS THAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??!!? –Gny. Sgt. Hartman

Yup, I’m still here and still alive. I still read cards, too! This is more of a personal post, though.

A friend of mine taught me about Jason Miller’s Inner Fire exercises. I’ve started them, as well as the preliminary 9 Purifying Breaths beforehand. I figured things would bubble to the surface–they always do when I start a new practice or technique. I didn’t expect them to hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks after just a week of practice, though! Things that I haven’t thought about in years are rearing their hideous heads and I’m realizing how many problems they’re still causing me. I have to observe and deal with them as they come. Some can be acknowledged and dismissed. Others have to be actually fought with and subdued.

Thing is, no one warned me this was going to happen, nor did they warn me it would be literally out of nowhere. I wasn’t prepared for this. Or maybe I was, and just didn’t think so. I can feel my spirit guide’s forehead planted firmly in the small of my back (he’s not human) and pushing me forward through this.

I know that in purifying myself, I’m also healing everyone around me whether they’re aware of it or not. Things just work that way, I’ve found, and I’m not even going to begin to speculate why. They just do. Those of you who know me well know the absolute abusive hell my family put me through. Things are better now, but I’ve had to resolve myself to the fact that my mother will ALWAYS be a spoiled and emotionally disturbed teenager. It’s her core personality. How she is is NOT my fault, nor can I change her. I also have to just accept the fact that yes, she owes me, but this is a debt that can never be repaid. I just have to take stock of what I’ve learned, what I am, and what I’m responsible for and go from there.

Yeah, my hell was a lesser one compared to a lot of people. This is not the Pain Olympics, though, and there’s not a panel of judges off to the side giving me points for my figure skating techniques. Everyone’s pain is unique to them, is valid, everyone has to deal with it, and hopefully it’s dealt with in a constructive manner. My paternal grandmother would say that everyone has their cross to bear (she was a good German Catholic), and this just happens to be mine. I just don’t want to wind up nailed to it.

This is also where affirmations come in handy. The old adage ‘fake it ’til you make it’ is good advice here. I keep reminding myself that happiness is my birthright. When my cup runneth over, it’ll fill everyone else’s in that grand champagne fountain called life, too. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. But we all deserve a good life. Happiness is a byproduct more than a goal, but it’s achievable.

• I deserve the gorgeous boyfriend who adores me and spoils me rotten ❤
• I deserve to be prosperous
• I deserve to be healthy
• I deserve to have everything I ever really wanted
• I deserve to have all my needs met
• I deserve to have healthy boundaries. I do already, but I have to remind OTHER people of this on a regular basis. This is a big one that a lot of people have issues with–but everyone has the right to say ‘no’. People who stomp over boundaries are toxic and you don’t want them around. Trust me.

I just have to keep telling myself this until it sinks in. It’s not easy, but I can do it. A friend of mine calls me her little warrior princess. I’ve got this–it just doesn’t feel like it right now.

Nine purifying breaths, indeed.