Mayday! Mayday! We need some help down here!!

No, I’m not at US Station 31 in the Antarctic, nor did they have to chip me out of an ice block. I still love that movie, though. The Thing is in my top 5 fave films of all time. Anyway, I’m just comfy here at home in Arizona. I’m still very much alive, though this is my first post in several years. I survived the Plague years and hope you did, too. I enjoyed the downtime. It was strange at first, but I embraced the calm and was surprisingly happy. I didn’t get out much, but I don’t get out much anyway, so that was cool.

Not much has changed. I did get a cat a few months ago. Rook died in November 2021 and I was without a cat for over a year. I opened my glass kitchen door one night this past December and got adopted by the strays in my backyard. One passed in late March as he had cancer that no one found until he seized and died. His brother is slowly becoming socialized. That’s where my mental work has been lately.

So yeah, I still read cards and that’s not a skill that’s forgotten. I’m at the same physical place, I still hang out at the same places (Starfighters Arcade, mainly, and my weekly browse at Bookman’s), still am addicted to sushi, and learned how to cook a few more things at home. Meat dishes, of course, as I’m allergic to most food of vegetable origin.

I hope all is well on your end, dear Readers.

Nine Purifying Breaths

*blows copious quantities of pixel dust off the site*

HOLY JESUS. WHAT IS THAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??!!? –Gny. Sgt. Hartman

Yup, I’m still here and still alive. I still read cards, too! This is more of a personal post, though.

A friend of mine taught me about Jason Miller’s Inner Fire exercises. I’ve started them, as well as the preliminary 9 Purifying Breaths beforehand. I figured things would bubble to the surface–they always do when I start a new practice or technique. I didn’t expect them to hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks after just a week of practice, though! Things that I haven’t thought about in years are rearing their hideous heads and I’m realizing how many problems they’re still causing me. I have to observe and deal with them as they come. Some can be acknowledged and dismissed. Others have to be actually fought with and subdued.

Thing is, no one warned me this was going to happen, nor did they warn me it would be literally out of nowhere. I wasn’t prepared for this. Or maybe I was, and just didn’t think so. I can feel my spirit guide’s forehead planted firmly in the small of my back (he’s not human) and pushing me forward through this.

I know that in purifying myself, I’m also healing everyone around me whether they’re aware of it or not. Things just work that way, I’ve found, and I’m not even going to begin to speculate why. They just do. Those of you who know me well know the absolute abusive hell my family put me through. Things are better now, but I’ve had to resolve myself to the fact that my mother will ALWAYS be a spoiled and emotionally disturbed teenager. It’s her core personality. How she is is NOT my fault, nor can I change her. I also have to just accept the fact that yes, she owes me, but this is a debt that can never be repaid. I just have to take stock of what I’ve learned, what I am, and what I’m responsible for and go from there.

Yeah, my hell was a lesser one compared to a lot of people. This is not the Pain Olympics, though, and there’s not a panel of judges off to the side giving me points for my figure skating techniques. Everyone’s pain is unique to them, is valid, everyone has to deal with it, and hopefully it’s dealt with in a constructive manner. My paternal grandmother would say that everyone has their cross to bear (she was a good German Catholic), and this just happens to be mine. I just don’t want to wind up nailed to it.

This is also where affirmations come in handy. The old adage ‘fake it ’til you make it’ is good advice here. I keep reminding myself that happiness is my birthright. When my cup runneth over, it’ll fill everyone else’s in that grand champagne fountain called life, too. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. But we all deserve a good life. Happiness is a byproduct more than a goal, but it’s achievable.

• I deserve the gorgeous boyfriend who adores me and spoils me rotten ❤
• I deserve to be prosperous
• I deserve to be healthy
• I deserve to have everything I ever really wanted
• I deserve to have all my needs met
• I deserve to have healthy boundaries. I do already, but I have to remind OTHER people of this on a regular basis. This is a big one that a lot of people have issues with–but everyone has the right to say ‘no’. People who stomp over boundaries are toxic and you don’t want them around. Trust me.

I just have to keep telling myself this until it sinks in. It’s not easy, but I can do it. A friend of mine calls me her little warrior princess. I’ve got this–it just doesn’t feel like it right now.

Nine purifying breaths, indeed.

 

English Magic Tarot

So I picked up this deck about a month ago. It was created by Rex Van Ryn, Steve Dooley, Andy Letcher, and published by Weiser Books in 2016. I think I paid about $7 for my copy from Amazon. Changing Hands wanted $30. NO.

That having been said, I do like the deck–on the whole. The images are clear and bright, and done in a comic book style. The art reminds me a LOT of the Whitewolf games from the mid 90’s. I like the coloured borders for each suit as well. It makes it easier for beginners to learn each suit and pick them apart in a reading. This is basically a RWS clone, and so anyone familiar with that deck should be able to pick this one up and read with it without too many issues.

The downside is the cards are HUGE. I have small hands, even for a woman, and these cards are unwieldy in the extreme. I was afraid I’d bend them shuffling, but fortunately, I didn’t. The cardstock has a nice matte finish that photographs well, but seems sort of thin. There’s also no bag for the cards. They are stored in two piles inside an insert in the box. I don’t really like this as the top cards can slide around inside the box and get damaged.

The LWB is hardly little. It’s fully illustrated with a whole page about each card. They do explain some of the hidden bits in the images, but it still doesn’t change the fact it’s a RWS clone. It’s nicely designed and fits neatly on top of the cards inside the box.

I’ll use this deck upon request, but I’m not taking it anywhere. The lack of a box to fix the cards inside the main storage box is a pain. Also, the raw size of the cards make them difficult to use. So this is going to be a deck more for my collection than actually using. I’m just glad I got it for a song new instead of coughing up the full MSRP.

The box and book:

The cards:

 

 

Blinding Dark

I haven’t updated in a while because $reasons. Anyway, I do more than just Tarot. Music is also my thing, esp. synthpop, Goth, and Industrial. Covenant has been one of my fave bands for close to 20 years now and this is their new album.

Soo…Blinding Dark…

Disclaimer: this album was NOT given to me for any compensation. Eskil Simonsson and Stefan Herwig (Head of Dependent Records) are old and dear friends of mine and I miss them both terribly. 😦 I got the hotshit box set as a birthday gift. Unfortunately, the top of the box has a bald patch where it got damaged in shipping. Eskil should just sign over the damage next time I see him. 😉

I’m only reviewing the main disc, not Psychonaut or the supplemental materials, as I don’t know what version people will be getting. Also, bear in mind I have the European box set. The US version has a different track order that frankly doesn’t work well. I’d also like to get my hands on the schmuck who classed its genre as metal? Wait…what?

Here goes nothing:

1) Fulwell: this would be a good stage intro track. As an album track, it’s a smidge long and can be easily skipped.

2) I Close My Eyes: a lovely 90 bpm meditation in B-flat major. This song has been floating around since about 2009 or so. I’m glad it found a home. This is probably my fave song on the album by a very narrow margin. I can listen to this one on repeat for hours.

3) Morning Star: Interesting song and a logical evolution from their Europa-era material. I like the hip-hop-ish beat used here. Definitely has a menacing feel to it, and in a good way. It could be mistaken for a track taken from Northern Lights, though. Not a bad thing.

4) Cold Reading: I actually *like* the vocal effects in this song. This song is classic Covenant. There’s no ambiguity and sounds like an upgraded version of something off Sequencer. I would very much like to see this become a new club anthem instead of ‘Tears In Rain.’ Hear that, local DJs? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS (un)HOLY NO MORE TEARS IN GODDAMNED RAIN. YOU PLAY IT TOO FUCKING MUCH. But this track works as a companion piece or sequel to ‘Liquid Sky,’ another of my fave songs by them.

5) Rider On A White Horse: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? This is a cover of a Lee Hazelwood song. Thematically, sure, it fits the rest of the album. But it just doesn’t work. It definitely drags down the pace of the album while thankfully not bringing it to a screeching halt like ‘I Walk Slow’ did on Leaving Babylon. But Erica Li’s voice is like a chainsaw outside my window at noon waking me up (fucking annoying) and this song is just No. Nope. No. Nope. SKIP. They should have put ‘In Theory’ from the Sound Mirrors single on here. It would have worked better.

6) Interlude I: meh, generic. Daniel Meyer gets a pat on the head here for effort. I’m not really a Haujobb fan and this sounds like a Haujobb teaser. Next!

7) Dies Irae: Latin for Day of Wrath, we get a real song again. Definitely in the vein of material off Skyshaper and LB, but with a bit of an edge to it. I forget who wrote this, but I know it was one of those existential authors a hundred years ago. Some guy shouted out to the universe ‘I exist!’ and the universe said, ‘So what?’ That was the gist of it anyway and it’s pretty much the theme of the song.

8) Sound Mirrors (Fulwell): This is the main single off the album, and it was a good choice. I could do without the 45-second intro, but other than that, the song works. It’s a catchy, upbeat number that once again hearkens back to Northern Lights. Cut out the intro and it’d probably pack the dance floor. The soaring chorus *will* get stuck in your head for days. Also a good song for driving at speed across open desert at 3 am.

9) Interlude II: I’d reach up and give Andreas Catjar a pat on the head here for effort except I’d probably have to stand on a stepladder to do it. The guy’s what? 6’7? While this is better than the first Interlude, it still strikes me as filler more than anything.

10) If I Give My Soul: Tied with ‘I Close My Eyes’ for my fave on the album. Starting out very much like ‘The Men’ off Skyshaper, this goes into a very Tangerine Dreamish main song that reminds me a lot of ‘Crystal Voice’ off the Firestarter soundtrack. This is a good thing. Eskil: insecure much? I think everyone’s asked these questions of pretty much everyone else, whether they realize it or not.
– Call you? Absolutely, but the whole 8-9 hour time difference thing…email and Messenger are easier.
– Spit on you? Nope. Just don’t backwash if we wind up sharing drinks like usual, K?
– Die on you? I’ll try not to, but it wouldn’t be voluntary if I did. I’m too damned stubborn to go down without a hell of a fight.
– Leave you? Not unless you do or did something egregiously stupid or you lie to me, disrespect me, or take me for granted. But for being yourself? Nope–I’ll stick around for a while. You did summon me after all… 😉
– Die FOR you? HAHAHA buddy I love you but not that much. I’ll more than likely outlive you anyway. *sigh*

11) Summon Your Spirit: A good idea that essentially peters out and goes nowhere. It’s way too long for what it does. It works as a closer, but should have only been a couple minutes long, not 5:19. This probably should have been edited to make it much shorter or scrapped entirely.

So on the whole, I do like this album. They’ve achieved full redemption after the slickly overproduced and soulless shell that was Modern Ruin. Leaving Babylon was the halfway mark. Their most accessible album remains Skyshaper, but this is tied for 2nd with United States of Mind. It could flow better, but it’s not the disjointed mess that the US track order is. I would have split it into three even sections with the interludes marking each one. Regardless, this is one that will grow on the listener with time.

**** or 4/5. It’s not perfect. Don’t miss it.

Hello Tarot!

So I got lucky a couple of weeks ago and found the Joe Rosales’ version of Tarot. This deck is VERY OOP and VERY unauthorized. Evidently Sanrio sent him a C+D and that’s why not too many copies were made. They protect their copyrights with the same ferocity Disney does.

Anyway, this is a Hello Kitty themed deck. It’s a RWS clone, but some of the images are different, but not by much. He even recommends Eden Gray’s Complete Guide to Tarot on the title card. It’s in B+W and it’s also a full 78 card deck with 54 Minors, 22 Majors, title card, and description card. It didn’t come with a box.

So here are some sample cards. I won’t be using this one for readings. First off, it’s rare and worth about 20x more than what I paid for it. Secondly, the cards are *thin* and feel only slightly thicker than printer paper. I don’t want them getting damaged. What I might do, though, is scan some more cards in and then color them or do whatever w/the scanned images. I don’t know. What I’m NOT going to do is alter it via lamination or coloring the cards directly. For now, I’m taking it out and gloating, then putting it back in the storage box. Enjoy!

Principal Photography

Hey everyone, I’m still here, still alive, still chugging along. You can put away the crucifixes and holy water now. 😉 Garlic? No effect. Hell, I love the shit. Sign me up for Bulgogi anytime. It’s Korean spiced and thinly sliced beef that’s grilled. It’s usually heavy on the garlic and red pepper paste. But I digress.

Sorry, going to Das Bunker’s 20th and K-town’s literally a mile and a half from the club. I’m thinking of dinner already. 😉 Live octopus, anyone?

Anyway, back to my topic. I do a lot of online readings, and being able to take clear pictures is critical. I can describe a deck to a client, and have them look up the images, but honestly, it’s easier for me to take a clear photograph of the cards. This is often trickier than it sounds, because a lot of cards have a plastic high-gloss finish. It’s great for protecting the cards from damage, but not so hot for photography as the flash will often reflect off one or several of the cards. It’s like staring into the sun and it obscures the image. If that card happens to be a critical one in the reading, then that’s a BAD thing.

So I did a reading with Barbara Moore’s Steampunk deck and I have to say I’m very pleased. The cards feel a smidge thin, but the matte finish is great for photography. Here, you’ll see what I mean:

I won’t say what the subject was, or whom it was for, as that’s not the issue here. The cards are clear and bright with no glare. Each image can be clearly seen, with details, and the title of each card can be read clearly on the full-size image. That’s what the goal is in an online reading. Too many cards have a high gloss finish and I have to take 6-10 pictures to get one good one. This one came out perfect on the first image because of the matte finish. WP pares images down, so some clarity is lost here.

My camera is a Canon PowerShot A1000IS that my sister gave me probably about 7 or 8 years ago now. It’s hardly top of the line but it’s a good workhorse. It just chews through batteries something fierce. If you have a smartphone, the camera on that should also be good enough.

So for you wanting to dip your toe in the online pool, keep this in mind. Clients don’t like it when they can’t see their cards. The typed interpretation is important, but a good image helps the client follow the story. Oftentimes they’ll also notice things the reader may have missed, too.

For face to face readings, finish doesn’t matter so much. There it’s do the cards have a coating that can protect them from things like spilled drinks. I do a lot of readings in clubs and restaurants, so this is important. It’s also the reason I use mass-market decks for personal readings and leave the rare ones at home. I don’t want my oop ones getting wrecked.

Until next time…

 

 

 

Zolar’s Astrological Tarot

So I got lucky a couple weeks ago and scored this weird little thing off Ebay. US Games published it from 1982 until fairly recently–I want to say 2014?–but before then, it was published by Zolar’s publishing company.

 

 

The box has wear. I’ll probably tape it as I don’t buy stuff like this for an investment. I buy it because I like it. Getting it for what I did with the box and the LWB was definitely a score. The cards are in near mint condition and were probably never used. The colour change around the edges is likely due to age.

 

It’s an odd little deck. It’s 56 double sided cards. The Minor Arcana are on one side, and this includes the Knights of each suit. The Major Arcana are on the other side along with astrological cards to fill in the gaps. I’m not sure how to use the astrological cards as such. The Tarot part I can do in my sleep.

 

The colour scheme leaves a lot to be desired. It’s bold, it’s clean, but orange and mint green? Really? I think it was originally salmon pink, and it does appear pinkish orange when not in pictures, but 50+ years have changed things. Colour plates can change as they age and this may be the case here. I don’t know. I’d like to get my hands on a USG copy but they’ll cost me about $50 a pop. I could also do without the keywords printed on each card, but at the same time, it’s part of the deck’s charm. The side of the box says ‘Nothing to learn!’ Hell, where’s the fun in that?!?

 

The cardstock is on the thin side. I wouldn’t trust it. Then again, I’ve had really thin decks that I thought would crease or fall apart and they still hold up. Yes, Lo Scarabeo, I’m looking at you. Still, though, I wouldn’t subject these to a lot of use just because of their age.

 

The main thing that gets me, though, is the fact the cards are double-sided. The flip side of the Moon is the 8 of Pentacles/Diamonds. So the two can never appear in the same reading in this deck. That’s ridiculous. Any readings with this deck will lose a lot of nuance just because of this. Also, how is the user to tell which side is the front and which side is the back of each card? Usually decks will have uniform backs. Maybe this was an attempt to save cardstock, but it doesn’t work. Maybe the sitter is supposed to close their eyes when they shuffle? Uhh…sure, whatever.

 

I’m still glad I scored a copy for my collection, though. This is a deck that probably should not be revived. I can’t see where experienced readers could really use this well. It’d also just confuse the hell out of beginners. If people want keywords, they can try to scare up a copy of the Starter Tarot, which does have keywords on each card, or take a marker and write keywords on each card in their deck. It’s up to the user, basically. As for ME reading with this deck, it’s not going to happen unless someone specifically requests this. It’s an interesting novelty, though.

 

 

IT LIVES

Hey folks,

I’m just poking my head in the door to let you all know I’m alive, okay, and ready to read your cards. I know I haven’t updated in six months. Life got in the way.

Basically it boils down to:

1. I didn’t have all that much to say recently regarding Tarot. If there’s nothing new to say, why rehash the same old crap?
2. Allergies. As some of you know, I’m asthmatic with a nasty permanent case of hay fever. Phoenix is the worst in the country for airborne allergens in the spring, so *everyone* suffers. In any case, my life basically shuts down from around Christmas to the beginning of May for this reason. Prednisone may be a fun ride but one of its side effects is incoherency. No thanks.
3. I’m currently restoring all my data from a complete hard drive crash. Lesson learned: BACK MY SHIT UP. I’ve been restoring things for the last three weeks and I’m *almost* done. Mainly I lost a few pdf files and mp3s, but I know where to scare those up. Still. Once again, lesson learned. BACK MY SHIT UP. *downs triple vodka gimlet and cries*

So I’m still on my cartomancy adventure and if you feel like joining me for the ride, great! This is where I’ve been. Where I’m going, I’m not so sure of that yet.

This works?

So I get asked frequently, ‘Does Tarot work, and if so, how?’ I’ll be the first to say it *does* work, but I have no idea how or why. Hell, I’m not sure if I’m not abusing the hell out of the Forer/Barnum effect or not. Basically, the Forer effect states that people will assume generalizations apply to them specifically, when in reality, they apply to a wide swath of the population. It’s a good example of a cognitive bias, and knowing it’s there goes a long way to boosting critical thinking skills. Then again, I’ve pulled details out of the ether that I figured were BS, only to find later I was spot on in a big way. Like a friend of mine said, ‘Does it really matter if you’re abusing a bias or not? If people feel empowered to deal with whatever situation they’re facing, you’ve done a good job.’ He has a point. The argument could also be made that if the bias is abused, vague generalities are of no use. I have a feeling this debate will rage on endlessly, much like the charge or not to charge debate.

Another thing I get a lot is that the cards tell my client what they already know. Well, duh, that’s actually the point. And sometimes, we need a visit from this guy to get us back on track:

:

Sometimes something that seems obvious isn’t, and something that shouldn’t be is. A lot of times it’s because the client is too close to the situation to SEE the obvious until it’s pointed out–and then they just lean forward and do the double facepalm. Other times, Cap’n Obvious needs to smack someone upside the head repeatedly with a baseball bat to get the message through. Situations vary.

Here’s the thing, though–yeah, often times the cards will tell the client what they already know. They’ll also advise the best course of action for a given situation. A reading is a snapshot, nothing more. It’s like a weather report in a lot of ways. Change the circumstances, change the outcome. Most of the time, the sitter can do a lot more to shift things in their favour than they realize. Whether or not they choose to take responsibility is up to them, not me. All I can do is show a way. Getting mad at me for not telling them what they want to hear is like getting mad at the GPS because the guy in front of them got T-boned by a red light runner and now they’re stuck in a traffic jam. Shit happens and we can rise to the occasion or not. Our call.

I’m not going to tell you when the love of your life is going to come into your life because I simply don’t know. I’m not going to give you the winning lotto numbers because I don’t know. Hell, if I did, I certainly wouldn’t be sharing them! I can’t tell you how long will you live because, you guessed it, I don’t know. Does life have a higher purpose? I have no idea. And I’m not a medium, so don’t ask me what your dead grandparents think because I can’t know. I make no claims to be psychic, and people may assume that, but then that’s on them. How does the Tarot give guidance? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that it does, and if I can help people, then my job is done.

Book of Mormon

Okay, so this is mainly a blog about cartomancy. I have other interests, too, one of which is theater. Most follows Sturgeon’s Law, which states 90% of everything is crap. This isn’t.

BOOK OF MORMON. OH. MY. GOD.

I laughed my ass off for two and a half hours. ‘Nuf said. No, seriously, it was absolutely hilarious. It was also surreal as hell.

Traffic was a nightmare because of the ASU game. It was a bitch to get into Gammage’s parking lot. Once I did, I found a nice close space. That parking lot’s tiny anyhow, so unless you plan on arriving at least 90 minutes or so early like I did, expect to park in the structure along McAllister. Just FYI.

So I parked and thought fuck, it’s cold out here! And we got lightning and rain earlier tonight, too! Fortunately it was *after* everyone was getting settled in.

So I sat in the outer lobby and got my ass kicked on Front Mission (DS) until they unlocked the doors and let everyone in. I must be a recognizable face around there. The usher who scanned my ticket was all, ‘You know where you’re going because I’ve seen you here a million times. Enjoy the show!’ Umm, last time I was there was in June for Phantom and then before it was November 2013 for Lion King, but hey, whatever. I *do* know my way around the building though, but I’m rusty.

As soon as we were let in, I made a beeline for the merch booth as always. I like to get whatever I want right out of the starting gate so I get first dibs as well as not needing to wait in a God-awful line. I just got the souvenir brochure which is the one item I ALWAYS get from any show if it’s available. The rest of the stuff I can find elsewhere. It was only $20, and that’s standard. They wanted $20 for the CD, which wasn’t bad, but Amazon wants $14 and I’ll just toss it in the cart next time if I want it. The sheet music went for $30, I can find it for about $15 online, or if I’m patient, wait for it to show up used at Bookman’s for under $10. *shrug* But theater merch is almost always overpriced and I’m used to it. The souvenir brochures, though, aren’t usually available EXCEPT at the show or for overly inflated collector’s prices on places like Ebay. No.

It was a good thing I got it, too, as the standard playbill had no song listings. Good luck finding out who sung what unless one had the souvenir brochure or previous familiarity with the show. I’d seen most of this on YouTube but there was still quite a bit that was new to me, so I was still a BoM n00b. I am a n00b no longer.

My seat was better than I thought it would be. I was on the Grand Tier (1st balcony), Row 2, seat 44, which is about a 30 degree angle from dead center. I could see and hear everything with crystal clarity. I couldn’t control the horizontal or vertical, though. (+1 if you get the reference) Anyway, it was something like middle of the road pricing. I wasn’t happy that one seat cost $112, but it was an early birthday gift and so for that I was happy. The most expensive ones were punching $200. HAAHAH FUCK NO.

So the show starts out with a brief history of Mormonism, starting with the two tribes of Israelites that supposedly struck out and settled North America. Never mind that neither the archaeological or DNA evidence bears that out, but hey, it’s what they believe. So Joseph Smith apparently digs up these golden plates buried in upstate NY 2000 years ago by the angel Moroni, translates them, doesn’t let anyone else see them, publishes them, and BAM a new splinter sect of Christianity is born. Honestly, Joseph Smith was a notorious con artist as well as a ceremonial magician. I don’t doubt the accounts that he saw an angel or spirit who pointed at a spot in the woods and told him to dig up *something.* This is as old as humanity. Maybe they were solid gold engraved plates. Maybe they were pretty chunks of pyrite, which IIRC is common around there. Maybe he ate too much contaminated bread and hallucinated the whole damned thing. There’s no way to tell. What he sold, however, and people are still buying hook, line, and sinker, is a scam story with one hell of a bottle of snake oil included. But I digress.

After the opening history, we start out with our new recruits about to set on their missions (“Hello!”) at the training center in Salt Lake City. Then each piece of fresh meat–I mean Elder–is assigned to their partners for their missions over the next two years (“TWo By Two”). This is a catchy little number that frankly reminded me of being awarded prizes on game shows. It’s also where we meet our two main characters, Elder Price and Elder Cunningham. We also discover that Elder Price is an egotistical bastard who is following the letter of the law, if not the spirit, and is disappointed as hell he can’t go to Orlando and enjoy all the theme parks instead of preaching Mormon doctrine (“You and Me (But Mostly Me)”) Additionally during this number, it becomes clear that Elder Cunningham is a pathological liar and maybe batshit crazy to boot. This plays into the plot in a big way later. Then they say goodbyes at the airport along with a very funny and wrong Lion King parody, and off to Africa they go.

So they lose their luggage and get guns pointed in their faces by the local warlord, General Butt-Fucking Naked. The local villagers point out this is just the way things are around there and blaspheming is how they deal with the hardships in their lives (‘Hasa Diga Eebowai’) and the General’s strange obsession with female circumcision. Price and Cunningham are appalled by all this, and then discover there are other missionaries in the area. The local Mormon leader, McKinley, says that Mormons should be able to simply ‘turn off’ any negative feelings, including McKinley’s own repressed homosexuality (“Turn It Off”) This is an absolutely hilarious over-the-top dance number that ends with everyone in glitter fuschia vests and glitter blue ties. Don’t ask. It’s wrong. And I laughed until I was choking. Price, in the meantime, is beyond confused by all this but Cunningham assures him they’ll succeed in bringing souls into the fold (“I Am Here For You”)

So Price attempts to preach to the natives and just winds up boring them half to death. Unfortunately, his attempts to teach the villagers about Joseph Smith winds up being self-aggrandizing in the extreme (“All American Prophet”) and the villagers declaring religion useless and Price arrogant and extremely irritating. There’s quite a bit of reverse racist humor here. These idiot white Americans wind up in rural Africa without a clue as to how things really are there, and the natives school the newcomers severely. This is especially obvious here. Then theGeneral shows up, demands the circumcision of all women in the village, and shoots a villager in the face when he protests right in front of Cunningham and Price and covering Price in blood. Nabulungi, the village leader’s daughter, hides at home and dreams of an earthly paradise inspired by Price’s description of Salt Lake City (“Sal Tlay Ka Siti”).

The next morning at mission HQ, McKinley panics after getting a message requesting a full progress report on their mission. This gets worse after he realizes that Price and Cunningham have been spectacularly unsuccessful. Price wants to bail and gtfo out of there as he’s mortified by the conditions thy’re all forced to live under, so he requests a transfer back to Orlando. Cunningham states he’ll follow Price anywhere, much to Price’s dismay (“I Am Here For You [Reprise]”). Nabulungi then comes to Cunningham and announces that the villagers are ready to listen to what the missionaries have to say. Cunningham recognizes his opportunity to shine and seizes it in the Act I finale (“Man Up”).

So intermission came and went. The people in front of me left during intermission. They were probably offended–and there’s a lot people could find offensive in this show. Oh well, their loss. I got an even better view of the stage for Act II.

Act II begins with Cunningham admitting that he’s actually never *read* the Book of Mormon because it’s boring. When people begin to leave, he weaves together bits of what he knows about Mormon doctrine as well as science fiction and fantasy stories he’s familiar with in an attempt to relate to the villagers’ struggles (“Making Things Up Again”). During this number, his conscience takes the form of familiar characters and personalities like his father, Joseph Smith, and Yoda. He rationalizes this under the fact that these stories are helping people, so how can that be wrong?

Meanwhile, Price is dreaming he’s in Orlando. Except he thinks he’s in Orlando, but he has no memory of getting there. This turns into a glitter coated nightmare full of people in shiny devil suits, dancing Starbucks cups, Johnny Cochran, and a pink Hitler (“Spooky Mormon Hell Dream”)? Jesus also bluntly calls Price a dick and walks away.

Price is severely shaken by all this and decides to re-commit to his mission. None of the other missionaries are surprised by this in the least because they’ve all had the same dream. McKinley also points out that even though the villagers have expressed interest in Mormonism to Cunningham, none will convert unless the General does as well. Price, in his arrogance, is convinced he can convert the General (“I Believe”). The General is beyond unimpressed and he and his henchmen drag Price away. The next time we see Price, he’s having his copy of the Book of Mormon removed from his rectum, along with a comment by the doctor of he’s never seen quite this kind of anal obstruction before.

Meanwhile, Cunningham convinces the villagers to convert. The first to be baptized is Nabulungi (“Baptize Me”). The other missionaries are overjoyed by the villagers’ willingness to convert and feel unity with them (“I Am Africa”). This is another totally reverse racist joke that’s hilarious as hell. It just has to be seen to be understood. Then the General shows up and declares he’s going to kill all the Mormons because they’ll power up the women’s clitorises to defeat him.

Cunningham finds Price drowning his sorrows in a cafe in Kigali. He tells Price that the mission President is physically coming there for a progress report, so they had damned well put a good face on things. Cunningham leaves, and Price reflects on all the broken promises in his life (“Orlando”).

So the mission President shows up and praises Price and Cunningham for their work on behalf of the Mormon Church. Then, the village turns out to have a pageant honoring Joseph Smith and the Mormon beliefs, or at least Mormon Doctrine as told to them by Cunningham (“Joseph Smith American Moses”). The mission President and his staff are mortified and aghast at the distortions in doctrine that Cunningham has taught the villagers. The President is furious and appalled, and orders everyone to pack their bags and head home. Nabulungi is heartbroken and believesthat God has forsaken her (“Hasa Diga Eebowai [Reprise]”). Cunningham is also heartbroken at what he believes to be an utter failure, but Price realizes that while Scripture is important, making sure the message is understood is even more so. Cunningham and Price reconcile and race off to rescue the villagers from the General.

Furious at Cunningham, Nabulungi tells the other villagers he was eaten by a lion when they ask about his whereabouts. The General appears and Nabulungi is ready to submit to him as well as tell him none of the stories the missionaries told her were true. To her shock, the other villagers admit they knew the stories weren’t true. They accepted them as metaphors and simply went from there. Cunningham appears, tells the others he’s risen from the dead, and then Price and Cunningham drive the General out on the grounds he can’t hurt the undead. They also threaten to invoke Christ to turn the General into a lesbian. They realize they can still help people despite their mission being over, because, after all, they’re Latter Day Saints. Price rallies everyone to work together to make a better world. The show ends with new Elders, including (hilariously) the General, evangelizing Mormonism (“Tomorrow Is a Latter Day”/”Hello! (Reprise)”/”Finale”).

I can’t say there were any real standouts among the cast. This is the first time I’ve seen this live, so I’m not familiar enough with it to make any sort of judgements. This is an Equity tour, though, so these aren’t kids fresh out of school. They know what they’re doing. Everything went smoothly, there weren’t any technical glitches that I knew of, and they got a standing ovation at the end.

I’d gladly see this show again. I didn’t find it blasphemous. I did, however, find it very irreverent. I was raised Catholic. We’ve been making fun of clergy since long before the Reformation. Other denominations, not so much. I forget who said this, but they described BoM as an atheist’s love letter to religion. It very much came off that way. And Price and Cunningham reminded me of a lot of the overachieving Mormon kids I went to high school with. Screw up their mission? Hell no! That’d screw up their free ride through BYU–and I couldn’t say I’d blame them.

All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable evening. And it did rain–my car was wet when I found it in the parking lot.

This is playing in NYC and London, as well as this tour. See it if you can. You won’t regret it.